What to do if your toddler only sleeps in the carrier or when being held?

Your toddler only sleeps in the carrier or when being held during the day

Parents have often said to me over the years that the only way they can keep their toddler asleep during the day is in their arms or in the carrier.

But if your little one wakes up when you take him out of the carrier or put him down out of your arms, then his sleep pressure isn't high enough to sustain sleep. We really can trust your toddler's biological sleep regulators (that is, his body clock and sleep pressure) to take the sleep he needs. So if he wakes when you put him down, it means that he's had enough sleep for now!

Parents often have questions about this.

• You might have heard that you need to get big blocks of sleep from your toddler during the day for her to learn and develop properly, which isn't true. You can find out more here. Toddler sleep needs are highly variable. They often need a lot less sleep than everyone thinks.

• Of course, you might be desperately needing a break, and keeping your little one asleep in your arms or in the carrier gives you some kind of time out! All parents have days when they decide they need that! The main thing is to know that a pattern of long naps during the day, in the snuggled up situation of the carrier or cuddled up against you, can actually make your child's sleep a lot worse at night, though this may take a few weeks to become apparent. You can find out more here.

If your toddler cries when you put him down, does this mean he needs more sleep?

When your little one wakes up crying after you've tried to put him down, you might worry this is a sign that he needs to go back to sleep. But it's actually just a sign that his sleep pressure isn't very high and he's taken all the sleep he needs for now.

It's biologically normal for toddlers to cry when they find themselves feeling vulnerable, and away from the reassuring comfort of a loving adult's arms or body. This will gradually change as your toddler grows, though our children need lavish physical contact with loving adults right throughout childhood. You've probably seen some changes in your toddler's needs for physical contact already. But we can't rush it. Crying when he wakes from a nap doesn't mean that he needs more sleep. Instead, you'd offer cuddles and, if you're breastfeeding, perhaps a quick transitional breastfeed (but not to send him back to sleep).

Regardless, after the cuddle you'd move on into the next sensory motor adventure, thinking about how you can best enjoy the next part of your day, as you keep your little one as dialled down as you can.

Your toddler only sleeps when she's against your body in the night

If you're sharing the bed with your toddler at night, and she only sleeps when she is tucked up against your body, then the same sleep fact applies: your toddler's sleep pressure isn't high enough to keep her deeply asleep for a block of time.

When this occurs regularly at night, and you're becoming sleep deprived and exhausted, then it's a serious problem which needs to be addressed by a reset of her body clock. You can find out more here.