Why responding to your baby matters
How to create a pattern of sensible responsiveness to your baby over time
Responding to your baby, helping him dial down just as much as you sensibly can, is best for the development of your baby's
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Sense of safety and security in life right now
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Capacity for secure attachment or or a secure bonding style in his relationships life-long
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Mental health life-long.
A pattern of sensible responsiveness to your baby lays down the best possible neural templates for social and emotional development in your baby's brain, which last life-long.
Even though many of your responses will naturally be task-focussed and matter-of-fact, your baby also needs to experience your love as you show affection and make time for long, enjoyable, to-and-fro interactions.
The dial on your baby's sympathetic nervous system guides you as you experiment with responding
I hope that your baby’s cues or communications are regularly of contentment and delight. But there will be many times each day (and night) when your baby's sympathetic nervous system begins to dial up. This is when she's telling you that something is not quite right. She uses her face, limbs, sounds and even her little spine to communicate this to you.
It helps to know that
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It's normal to have no idea what your baby is communicating. Just start experimenting with your responses, to see what dials her down. This is when your two superpowers, here and here, are incredibly powerful, not just for sleep but for a life with your baby that is as easy and enjoyable as possible.
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Responding doesn't always dial your baby down. Sometimes, no matter what you try, responding doesn't dial your baby down a lot of the time. This is often a very upsetting situation for parents. I suggest that you
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It's not always possible to respond. For example, if you're caring for older children too, you'll often find you can't respond immediately to your baby. There’s a great deal of compromise required as you care for a second born (or third born or fourth born or more)! Those of you who don’t have much support from other adults will also find you often can’t respond.
What matters is that you're aiming to create a pattern of sensible, loving responses to your baby's communications or cues, enough of the time.
You don't have to respond to every communication from your baby
In fact, feeling that you have to respond to every little communication from your baby can make both you and your baby feel tense and worried. It’s hard to relax and enjoy life if you're under that kind of pressure to get it right all the time!
You just need to respond enough of the time to make your baby feel cherished, overall. Trust your intuition about this, in your unique relationship with your own unique baby. Only you know what works for you both.
In the very first sensitive days and weeks, it usually works best to try to get in as early as possible in response to your newborn's cues. This keeps the settings on your little one's dial as turned down as sensibly possible, which helps set up resilient neural pathways going forward. This will make life easier as your baby grows older.
Some little ones who don't cue a lot actually need more attention than the baby who is constantly communicating.
Your baby is more interested in your actions than your feelings
I hope that you are able to enjoy lots of feelings of love and delight and closeness with your baby, over time. But you don't need to worry if you're not feeling lots of love in your heart for your baby. Emotions come and go like the weather. Often feelings of love for baby are slow to arrive, or don’t arrive in the way you expected at all. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
It's not your feelings towards your little one which shape her brain pathways over time. What matters is your behaviours, the things you and the other loving adults around her do, the way you give her time and pay attention to her, even on those days when your heart feels numb or heavy. (If you're worried about how you're feeling, please talk this over with your local GP.)
It's also very helpful to know about the normal changes that occur in our brains after we've had a baby, and to be ready for them. You can find out more here.
Recommended resources
Why growing back and forth communication with your baby matters
Why the baby who doesn't cue a lot needs extra attention
What your baby needs for best possible motor development
The holistic NDC or Possums 8-step approach to supporting baby's motor development
Selected references
Bornstein MH, Manian N. Maternal responsiveness and sensitivity re-considered: some is more. Developmental Psychopathology. 2013;25(401):1-28.
Cao H, Leerkes E, Zhou N. Origins and development of maternal self-efficacy in emotion-related parenting during the transition to parenthood: toward an integrative process framework beyond Bandura's model. Psychological Review. 2022: https://doi.org/10.1037/rev0000382.
Feldman R. Sensitive periods in human social development: new insights from research on oxytocin, synchrony, and high-risk parenting. Development and psychopathology. 2015;27:369-395.
Feldman R. The neurobiology of mammalian parenting and the biosocial context of human caregiving. Hormones and Behavior. 2016;77:3-17.
Kokkinaki T, Delafield-Butt JT, Nagy E, Trevarthen C. Editorial: Intersubjectivity: recent advances in theory, research, and practice. Frontiers in Psychology. 2023;14:1220161. doi: 1220110.1223389/fpsyg.1222023.1220161.
Kiel N, Samdan G, Wienke A. From co-regulation to self-regulation: maternal soothing strategies and self-efficacy in relation to maternal reports of infant regulation at 3 and 7 months. Infant Mental Health Journal. 2023(1-18): https://doi.org/10.1002/imhj.22098.
Leclere C, Viaux S, Avril M, Achard C, Chetouani M, Missonnier S, et al. Why synchrony matters during mother-child interactions: a systematic review. Plos One. 2014;9(12):e113571.
Pauen S, EDOS group. Understanding early development of self-regulation and co-regulation: EDOS and PROSECO. Journal of Self-regulation and Regulation. 2016;2:3-16.
Taipale J. Self-regulation and beyond: affect regulation and the infant-caregiver dyad. Frontiers in Psychology. 2016;7(889):doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00889.
