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How to do evenings with a breastfed toddler when the breastfeeding mother is not available?

Dr Pamela Douglas28th of Mar 202423rd of May 2024

father plays with daughter in the evening

Enjoy sensory adventures with your toddler in the evening until her sleep pressure is very high

When a breastfeeding woman is not available in the evenings, you'll be able to do bedtime quite easily using your toddler-sleep superpower of rich and changing sensory motor nourishment. You might also still like to use your other toddler-sleep superpower of milk to dial your little one down into sleep when the sleep pressure is very high. You can find out about bottle use and toddler sleep here.

It’s not necessary to dim the lights in the evening. When your toddler's sleep pressure is high enough, he'll fall off to sleep easily with a quick feed of milk (if you are using the bottle) or a cuddle, whether the lights are on or not, as long as he is dialled down.  

Evenings can come unstuck though if you feel you have to put your small child down to bed at a particular time, because that's when she'll remember that her mother is gone and vigorously protest. Instead, you'd continue on with rich and changing sensory motor nourishment until her sleep pressure is so high, that she drops off to sleep in your arms.

  • Enjoy loud, noisy, highly physical play with your toddler. You can find out why this is good for your toddler's nervous system, and doesn't overstimulate him, here

  • You can find other ideas for making the evenings with your toddler as easy and as enjoyable as possible using the toddler-sleep superpower of rich sensory motor nourishment here. Of course, you may face constraints if you are also caring for an older child or children. Older siblings themselves are a powerhouse of sensory motor stimulation for toddlers, and can make the evenings much easier than they would be otherwise, just because they're around.

older child plays with toddler in the evening

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Would it help your toddler's sleep to delay or space out breastfeeding in the night?

breastfeeding toddler in mother's lap

Does your toddler seem to be breastfeeding all night? The sleep deprivation can be unbearable. Are you wondering if spacing out the breastfeeds might help? You could even be experimenting with this right now, trying not to offer the breast every time your small child wakes, hoping desperately to make the nights work better. You might be wondering if you should wean.

It can be helpful to know that

  • Excessive night waking is different to biologically normal night waking in toddlers. A pattern of excessive night waking is typically caused by disruptions to your toddler's circadian or body clock settings. It's not caused by the breastfeeding, despite what you might have heard.

  • Your toddler isn't waking excessively in the night because you breastfeed her frequently and flexibly. But she...

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