Why watching for tired signs can make sleep worse when you have a baby or toddler

Why The Possums Sleep Program doesn't give you lists of 'tired signs'

This article is part of a collection inside The Possums Sleep Program called Deeper Dive, which explores the more complex scientific, historical and social contexts in which families and their babies or toddlers live and sleep. You don't need to read Deeper Dive articles to be helped by The Possums Sleep Program.

Our little one's signs and behaviours are always contextual. By that, I mean we can only begin to make sense of what our little one might be communicating or needing when we take into account the context of what's happening around you, what's just happened, and lots of other pieces of information that as a parent you are naturally taking into account in your responses to your baby or toddler, even when you have an older baby or child who is using words and sentences.

You know your baby or toddler best. Only you can experiment, with either your baby or your toddler, to find out what will dial her down.

That's why I have never given parents lists of ‘tired signs'. If I gave you a list of 'tired signs', I would be saying that I'm the expert on your baby or toddler, not you! If I was to try to tell you what your child's behaviours and signs mean, I would make it quite hard for you to experiment and work out for yourself what kind of response will dial your completely unique and individual little one down.

For example, it's very common for babies and toddlers to dial up when they need a richer sensory motor experience. But parents are often told that when their little one dials up, she's showing tired signs, and that they should put her down to sleep with the first tired signs, so that she doesn't miss the 'wave' of sleep. These ideas aren't evidence-based, but arise out of the sleep training methods.

Why applying the concept of 'tired signs' can make your family's sleep much worse

Here are some of the things parents might be told are 'tired signs'.

• Grumpy or fussy behaviour (which is actually your little one's sympathetic nervous system dialling up. Experimentation with one of your two sleep superpowers, feeds or sensory motor stimulation, is required, to dial your little one down. Sleep will then look after itself when the sleep pressure is high enough. )

• Rubbing of eyes (which needless to say doesn't necessarily correspond with high sleep pressure)

• Rubbing of ears (which needless to say doesn't necessarily happen with high sleep pressure)

• Eyes turning red (which needless to say doesn't necessarily happen with high sleep pressure)

• Yawning. (If you think about it, you might yawn at various times throughout the day, but a yawn doesn't mean that you need to immediately put your head down to sleep. It could sometimes mean that your sleep pressure is rising - but again doesn't mean that you need to be immediately going to bed.)

Unfortunately, applying the idea of 'tired signs', and putting your little one down with the first 'tired sign', can result in excessive night waking in your baby or toddler down the track. You can find out about this in babies here and here, and in toddlers here and here. The idea of 'tired signs' can result in miserable sleep battles between you and your small child, which make sleep worse for everyone.

It's best to simply use your two baby or toddler-sleep superpowers to keep your little one dialled down, regardless of the rising sleep pressure, until your baby's or toddler's sleep pressure is so high that sleep looks after itself, without you needing to worry much about it.

My colleague Renee Keogh calls this being dial-focussed, rather than sleep-focussed. It's a much more enjoyable and relaxed way to live life with your little person! We don't need to be puzzling over every little sign or communication our small people make that could indicate tiredness in order to develop patterns of reasonably manageable, no-fuss sleep over time. We can let life with our little one be so much easier than that!