Things to know about your brain's thinking processes after you've had a baby

New neural pathways flourish in your brain after you've had a baby

It's not just your baby's brain that is astonishing mouldable in the first months after birth. Your own brain changes a great deal too during pregnancy and after the birth of a baby, more than at any other time of adult life.

Sometimes people talk about 'baby brain', believing that forgetfulness and brain fog are a normal part of early mothering. But the idea of 'baby brain' can make us feel that we have somehow become less than we were. This term doesn't reflect the science, and, if we think about it, doesn't really reflect women's lived experience of the postpartum period either.

In fact, after you've had a baby, your neural pathways become substantially, gloriously more! Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) of women's brains after giving birth show an increased capacity for learning, adaptivity, and attunement with another person. This specialised development of social learning neural networks lasts for at least two years.

But it's also true that physical or psychological trauma, serious sleep deprivation, and major life changes can powerfully affect wellbeing. These things might impact upon you regardless of whether you've experienced them as part of having a baby, or at another time of life.

Three things to know about how the mind works once you've had a baby

There are three things to know about your mind's thinking processes once you're caring for a small child.

1. The human mind has evolved to figure things out. From an evolutionary perspective, when faced with a crisis, the human mind is amazingly good at narrowing down attention, to focus on the crisis and solve it.

2. The human mind has evolved to try to prevent crises by focussing on the negative. From an evolutionary perspective, the human mind aims to

   • Learn as much as possible from past problems you've faced

   • Warn you about possible future threats

   • Protect you from danger by repeatedly reminding you of worst possible scenarios.

3. A human mother's brain has evolved to be hypervigilant in the months after giving birth, to be even more vigilant for threat than is usually the case for the human mind. The high levels of attention and concern which a new mother's mind and body direct towards the wellbeing of her baby have, from an evolutionary point of view, protected the flourishing of humankind, generation after generation, down the millenia.

These amazing strengths of the Homo sapiens brain have given us an evolutionary edge. But there are some very real downsides, which you might be finding out about now that you've had a baby. As a result of these strengths, the human mind is also capable of filling the days and nights with very unhelpful thoughts, repeatedly re-living aspects of the past and worrying about future unknowns, and imagining the absolute worst. This human tendency to unhelpful thoughts worsens when we are in situations of chronic stress, such as caring for a baby or toddler, or when dealing with baby or toddler sleep problems.

We could say that the re-wiring of your postpartum brain acts as a loudspeaker, amplifying your brain's already existing tendency towards repetitive unhelpful or negative thinking. Unhelpful thoughts often trigger waves of distressed emotions.

What can you do about painful, unhelpful thoughts when you're caring for a baby or toddler?

It doesn't help to fight painful, unhelpful thoughts, or to try to get rid of them.

• You can find out why here.

• You can find out ways of dealing with painful and unhelpful thoughts here, here and here.

Our self-talk can become very unkind when we find ourselves having repetitive negative thinking or distressing thoughts.

• You can find out more about unkind self-talk when we're caring for a baby or toddler here.

• Unkind self-talk and repeated painful and unhelpful thoughts then trigger even more stressed or miserable sensations or emotions in our body. You can find out more about emotions when we're caring for a baby or toddler here.

Your severe fatigue is real and physical, for example, but some thoughts are unhelpful even when they're true. Worrying that you aren't going to be able to cope tomorrow actually makes it harder to get back to sleep after you are woken at night. When your mind repeatedly tells you "I'm too tired to care for my baby", it actually makes it much harder to care for your baby during the day, and worsens your feelings of tiredness.

We're less likely to get caught up in repetitive negative thinking when we know it's normal for tired, stressed minds to be overwhelmed by distressing and unhelpful thoughts. When we take these thoughts too seriously, the whole sleep situation can get worse and worse. But managing distressing and unhelpful thoughts might require new skills, and practice.

It's completely true that sleep deprivation is awful. Here's what I suggest you do.

• The most effective way to deal with sleep deprivation is to work through the steps of The Possums Sleep Program, so that you resolve excessive night waking in your baby or toddler.

• At the same time, work through this Caring for you section of the program, to practice living the days and nights from your values

• Finally, practice expanding your attention as best you can, rather than allowing your attention to be narrowed down onto those distressed, sleep-deprived thoughts and feelings, which can be so miserable and overwhelming. You can find out how to expand your attention here.

In this way, you'll keep sleep as easy and manageable as possible, while creating a life which is meaningful, which gives you deep satisfaction, and which aligns with your values, even in the midst of your little one's normal night waking.

What can you do if you're having thoughts which shock you?

In the perinatal period, your thoughts might become so unhelpful that you experience them as intrusive and quite shocking. If this is your experience, it's important to know that

• It seems that all women experience intrusive thoughts of their baby being harmed at some stage (most often in the first weeks after the birth), and that half of us have very disturbing thoughts about harming our baby. This is a common thing that happens in our brains in the postpartum period

• It's normal to worry that you must be a very bad mother because you have these thoughts. This not true

• It's normal to worry terribly that you must be at risk of acting out these thoughts. This is not true

• The disturbing thoughts pass in time, as the postpartum period with its chronic stress, hardwired hypervigilance, and complex neurohormonal changes passes

• It's best not to try to get rid of the thoughts, but to anchor yourself in the present moment, over and over, practicing a great and tender compassion towards yourself. How difficult it all is! What a relief to know that this too, even the horrible thoughts, shall pass!

The information and suggestions on this page, in the Caring for you articles, and in The Possums Sleep Program overall are not a substitute for health professional support. If you have concerns about your mental health and wellbeing, it's very important to see your GP. If you have a history of mental health challenges, it's important to stay connected with your GP or mental health professional right throughout pregnancy and the postpartum period. If you are in crisis, please visit your nearest Emergency Department.

Recommended resources

The happiness trap: evolution of the human mind. Dr Russ Harris

Masterclass: unhooking yourself from unhelpful thoughts. Dr Russ Harris

Other recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.

Selected references

Barba-Muller E, Craddock S, Carmona S, Hoekzema E. Brain plasticity in pregnancy and the postpartum period: links to maternal caregiving and mental health. Archives of Women's Mental Health. 2019;22:298-299.

Hoekzema E, Barba-Muller E, Pozzobon C. Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Nature Neuroscience. 2017;20:287-296.

Kleiman K, and Wenzel A. Dropping the baby and other scary thoughts: breaking the cycle of unwanted thoughts in motherhood. 2011; New York: Taylor & Francis.

Mason KA. Blenders, hammers, and knives: postpartum intrusive thoughts and unthinkable motherhood. Anthropology and Humanism. 2022;47(1):117-132.