We might try to get rid of distressing thoughts, but typically this only makes them worse. It's the same with trying to get rid of emotions. It's common, actually, to even find ourselves having quite awful and intrusive thoughts when we've had a baby, which doesn't mean you are at risk of acting on them. You can find out about this here.

When we are stuck with an unhelpful thought, all our attention might be absorbed by it. The thought starts to control our behaviour and how we are feeling. It's useful to know how to get some distance between ourselves and a thought, or how to hold a thought lightly.

Here's a way of thinking about why it helps to know how to get this distance between ourselves and a thought.

When I'm working with a woman in the clinic, I might suggest we imagine we're putting all the things that matter to her in the corner of the room, as if on a stage. Then we pretend that she's writing all her distressed and miserable thoughts on her hand.

"What happens if you hold that hand up in front of your eyes," I ask. "Can you see the things that matter to you over there in that corner of the room?"

She can't, of course.

So then we try to push the distressed thoughts away, struggling to push her hand and all its misery out of her life. This is very hard work, holding her hand up in the air and pushing and pushing. After a while she feels very very tired, even more tired than she was before. It hasn't helped. All she is noticing now is the weary struggle with her hand.

So then I suggest she simply place her hand, with all its distress and misery, in her lap. She isn't fighting it any more. But it hasn't gone away, it's still there.

"Can you see the things that matter to you now?" I ask.

And she can.

This is what it's like when we are able to notice, name, and unhook from painful thoughts. We can't make them go away, but we can manage them so that we are still living a rich, full and meaningful life, take actions which align with our values and who we want to be, including the parent we want to be.

You can find out more here, here, and here.

As you step back and notice how your mind works, you'll be able to notice and identify the various themes your mind takes up. Ah, there it is again, the "I'm a bad mother" theme! "Ah, that one, the "I'm too screwed up to be able to love my child properly" theme!

When you catch your thoughts and notice what's going on, I suggest you start trying out some of the tools I explore in this Caring for you section, which includes, very importantly, self-compassion.

It can be very helpful to remember, too, that you only need to be a good-enough mother, anyway, for your child to flourish. Life with a baby or toddler is about workability, not perfection.

The information and suggestions in the Caring for you collections within The Possums Sleep Program are not a substitute for health professional support, though I'd still suggest try them out! If you have concerns about your own mental health and wellbeing, please talk this over with your GP.

Recommended resources

The struggle switch. Dr Russ Harris

Hands as thoughts. Dr Russ Harris

The stageshow metaphor

Internal struggles (the chessboard metaphor). Dr Russ Harris

Masterclass: unhooking yourself from unhelpful thoughts. Dr Russ Harris

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.