It's normal to want to fix things when the people we love are struggling or having a hard time. It's easy to want to offer advice because you care so much, forgetting to check in first about whether or not that advice is welcome!

But if your familly is in the middle of baby or toddler sleep problems, I suggest that instead of trying to fix things in conversations with your partner, simply lean in. Listen very carefully, respond empathically, and try your best to imagine what it's like to be your partner in this exhausting situation. (This may not be a stretch, since you too may be more sleep-deprived and exhausted than you thought possible ...)

You might work your way through The Possums Sleep Program, and when she's ready or if she is available to hear, you might offer your partner some of the key messages that you think are relevant to your own family.

You might also

• Specialise in providing sensory motor nourishment for your baby or toddler

• Do much of the housework

• Take on as much of the baby or child care that you possibly can, given your own family's unique arrangements and the way you and your partner manage paid work responsibilities. You can find out about baby feeds here and here, and toddlers here

• Offer foot or shoulder massages or other kinds of nurturance and love which are acceptable to your partner in that moment.

Watching your loved one struggle with a challenging situation without being able to fix it (unless you are specifically asked for help in that way) is a profound act of love. This can mean carrying a great deal of heartache and worry yourself, in addition to sleep deprivation, without being able to change the cause, or at least not immediately.

Seeking out the support of other parents (other fathers, if you're a dad) can make the world of difference to your own mental health and wellbeing, and therefore your capacity to emotionally and practically support your partner and your family.

Selected references

Antonious E, Stamoulou P, Tzanoulinou M-D. Perinatal mental health, the role and the effect of the partner: a systematic review. Healthcare. 2021;9:1572.

Antoniou E, Tzanoulinou M-D, Stmoulou P. The important role of partner support in women's mental disorders during the perinatal period. A literature review. Meaedica a Journal of Clinical Medicine. 2022;17(1):194-200.