Logo - The Possums baby and toddler sleep program.

the possums
sleep program

find essentialsbrowse the programabout the programspeak to dr pamaudiologin / sign up

search for articles

  • caring for you
  • your self-compassion superpowers

When you're caring for a baby or toddler, talk to yourself the way someone who deeply loves you would

Dr Pamela Douglas22nd of Jul 202323rd of May 2024

smiling grandma being hugged by smiling child

Speaking to yourself as if you are someone who loves you very deeply is a powerful way of changing the unkindness that our mind often directs towards ourselves. Different people imagine this in different ways.

  • It might be that you speak to yourself as if you are your own best friend, who adores you, understands you, cares about you deeply. What would your best friend say to you in situations that you find difficult? She wouldn't be unkind. She would be barracking for you, she would be worrying about you, she would be confident you've got what it takes. She tells you she's there for you, every step of the way. Her tone of voice is kind and encouraging.

  • You might speak to yourself as if you are a little child. As if there are three of you (or more if you're caring for older children too) getting through the days and nights together: your baby or toddler, the frightened or lonely little girl inside you, and you. Speak to that little girl inside yourself using the same tone of voice, the same verbal caresses, the same deep empathy and warmth and concern that you offer your own baby or child.

  • You might imagine an older wisdom figure or even your mother (if you were lucky enough to have known this deep acceptance, overall, from your mother), speaking to you as if you are her beloved daughter, someone for whom she feels deep love and tenderness and empathy. What would she say to you? In the photo at the top of this page, a grandmother cuddles her lively little granddaughter. The child adores her and feels completely safe with her. Imagine the affection, tenderness and loving humour with which that grandmother speaks to her precious little blonde-haired girl! That's the way to speak to yourself.

I read a sensitively written pandemic novel which tells the story of an older woman who was very successful in her field. This woman was raised in destitute and abusive circumstances. But she got through her life by regularly imagining the words that her "nice mother", the one she made up for herself, might say to her in any particular situation. This is a powerful way to practice self-compassion.

In truth, each of us needs to find ways to treat ourselves like this, to have that kind of deep acceptance available to us for the rest of our lives. You deserve to have a voice of deeply loving support and encouragement and sense of safety close by you at all times, you deserve nothing less. ... Yet each of us needs to find this in ourselves, for ourselves, because we will always be our own closest companion.

Recommended resources, acknowledgements, and selected references for the articles in the Caring for you section of The Possums Sleep Program are found here, including selected research evaluations of both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Compassion-focused Therapy in the perinatal period.

mother and adult daughter hug at end of race

Finished

share this article

Next up in your self-compassion superpowers

Try paying mindful attention during small and ordinary tasks when you're caring for a baby or toddler

Hand and tap

Caring for your small child brings with it many humble and repetitive tasks, necessary if you are to keep your little one safe, clean, warm, dry, and fed.

Caring for ourselves also requires that we attend to humble and repetitive daily tasks, such as the cooking and cleaning, attending to our clothing and body, sorting and tending our home. Is it possible to slow down and bring your full attention to these tasks as if they really mattered? I don't find this easy to do myself, to be honest. I've come to think of it as a personality thing.

It's easy for someone with my personality to resent mundane tasks, as if they get in the way of the grand plans I have for my life. But of course, small, mundane tasks form the foundations of my life, and any good life. They make up much of what it is to be alive. So I...

more articles in your self-compassion superpowers

  • 4

    minute
    read

    Try paying mindful attention during small and ordinary tasks when you're caring for a baby or toddler
  • 2

    minute
    read

    Make time to do small things that you enjoy in the midst of your life with a baby or toddler
  • 9

    minute
    read

    Get creative about physical activity (outside the house) when you're caring for a baby
  • 6

    minute
    read

    Get creative about physical activity (outside the house) when you're caring for a toddler
View full article list
Possum sleep program logo

the possums
baby & toddler
sleep program

about the programfind essentialsspeak to dr pamaudiocode of ethicsterms & conditionsprivacy policyFAQs / help
Dr Pam logo

© Dr Pamela Douglas 2025

visit drpam.baby for more programs