This article assumes that you've made the decision to wean your toddler from the breast based upon accurate information. For example, excessive night waking doesn't result from frequent and flexible breastfeeds, or from breastfeeding to sleep, but from disruption to your toddler's body clock. If your toddler is waking excessively, a body clock reset is required.

What is the kindest way to wean your breastfed toddler?

It can help for a breastfeeding mother to disappear for a number of nights, while the father or other loving parent takes over night wakes. If the little one knows you are in the house, she is likely to dial up even harder when she wakes, crying or screaming in the hope you will come and breastfeed her again.

If you are wanting to night wean, you might

• Offer the breast each time your toddler wakes, making sure that you keep her sleep regulators (her body clock and sleep pressure) functioning well and in sync with yours, until the appointed night comes when when you have decided to wean

• Hopefully your little one's father or other loving carer is in the house and steps in so that you're not involved in caring for your small child in the night for a time. Even if you aren't in the house (for instance, have commenced night shifts of paid work), your little one is likely to cry for you for a number of nights, until he has become used to the new situation. Your toddler's other parent would use sensory motor nourishment (which in the night is cuddling, rocking, singing, walking) to dial your toddler down, knowing that it may be a difficult few nights while your toddler learns something new

• Night wean from the breast all at once, when you are ready, taking care to manage your breasts by hand expression or pumping to comfort, if necessary, so that you don’t develop a breast inflammation (or mastitis).

• If you are an autonomous breastfeeding mother, don't feel you have to wean your toddler to prepare him for new situations when you won't be around (unless you want to). When you aren't there, he will adapt to taking milk or water from a cup offered by the carer (once he's thirsty enough). When you are around, you can breastfeed as much as you want. This won't confuse him, or make him less likely to adapt to the new caregiver, since toddlers learn very quickly that different things happen in different contexts.

Even though you're ready to wean, you might still grieve

Even though you've made the decision that you're ready, you yourself might nevertheless grieve, as you wean your little one. Although not every woman feels grief (and that's normal too), for many the feelings of grief can be surprisingly intense. This is how life is. Change is often very painful, no matter how ready we are for it. This is another reason to practice deep self-compassion.