If you're breastfeeding and in a toddler sleep emergency, consider asking another loving adult to take over for a time
These six topics in the It's an emergency section of The Possums Sleep Program are a place to start if you're in a toddler sleep crisis. To really turn things around over the next couple of weeks, so that the days and nights are as enjoyable as possible, and you're no longer so utterly exhausted and sleep-deprived, please go to the whole of The Possums Toddler Sleep Program, starting here. Or you might like to go to the Brief & simple version first, starting here.
If you're in a toddler sleep crisis, aim for workability rather than perfection
When we're feeling in crisis, it helps to think about workability, not perfection.
If you are breastfeeding a toddler and find yourself in a sleep emergency, you might decide it's time to compromise, as you bring your own needs more to the front. Only you can work out what's right in your unique family.
It can be helpful to know that
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Disrupted sleep patterns, which we refer to as excessive night waking, are typically because of the toddler's body clock settings, not the breastfeeding
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Working through The Possums Sleep Program mostly helps settle a toddler's excessive night waking back to normal amounts of night waking within a week or two.
If you plan to continue breastfeeding but decide to temporarily share night shifts with another loving adult
This is a strategy to use if you
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Are not yet ready to night-wean
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Intend to work over the next week or two on resetting your toddler's body clock
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Desperately need to catch up on some night-time sleep right now
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Have another loving adult available to help. (You can find out about doing nights with a baby or toddler on your own here.)
You might decide to clock off for an entire night or more, which in my experience tends to work best with toddlers, rather than splitting the night into shifts with another parent or carer.
That's not to say you can't experiment with shifts. It might work for your family. Regardless, when you're not on night duty, I’d suggest sleeping in a quiet place with earplugs in so that you don’t hear your toddler's crying.
It's just that a breastfeeding toddler usually knows you are still in the house, no matter how discretely you've hidden yourself away, and screams with the whole of her little being until you finally emerge to offer the breast. This is not because your toddler is wilful or spoiled. On the contrary, your toddler has learnt that communicating distress is safe and sometimes quite effective.
She's had the gift of your breast in the night until now, and she loves being up close to you in this way. It's been so good for her! She's learnt something wonderful - that the best way of going back to sleep in the night, if she wakes, is snuggled up close to you and your breast. But she's not waking because she's breastfeeding.
Since you are planning to continue night-time breastfeeding, having another loving adult take over for a time tends to go best if bottles of milk are offered temporarily. This would be cow's milk, if your baby is over 12 months of age.
If you are ready to night wean
If you are in a sleep emergency, you might decide that it's time for your little one to learn something new: that love comes without milk in the night. Night weaning usually works best in an all-or-none way, without introducing a bottle, from which you'd have to wean your toddler down the track, anyway.
The main thing to know before you make this decision is that weaning doesn't necessarily mean that your toddler will wake less in the night.
Some breastfeeding women think they should wean when they are in a sleep emergency. Again, they might have heard that weaning will help their toddler wake less often. But the research tells us that waking every couple of hours in the night is normal for many toddlers, even though you don't often hear this said! What matters is that everyone is back to sleep quickly.
If your toddler is waking excessively, then your little one needs a reset of his body clock, not weaning. It would be disappointing to wean before you were ready, and then find that your toddler still wakes regularly in the night - except that now you've lost your best tool for making the return to sleep easy and quick!
When you're ready, you can find out about how to wean your toddler here.
If your severely sleep-deprived breastfeeding partner won't let you take over at nights
It can be frustrating when you want to help your severely exhausted loved one who is breastfeeding a toddler, but she won't let you take over in the night. There will be reasons why she has made this decision. The worst outcome would be that she feels she has forfeited her right to ask for help because she doesn't want to stop breastfeeding in the night!
It's a matter, then, of working together as a team to explore what else she needs from you or what else you can do that she would find helpful. Together, you'll experiment and make decisions that are right for your unique family. These decisions are likely to change over time. No-one else knows what is right for your family, other than your family.
